


Upon One Whom We Love

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Seelie Court Kiss AU [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:31:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: Max doesn't survive the procedure, and the Lightwood family is left in shambles. Alec and Jace try to hold the pieces together in their own ways.





	Upon One Whom We Love

**Author's Note:**

> Well, i think it's rather obvious what this is about. It's not really a 'missing moment' but a real alterations of what happened at the end of 2x18 'Awake, Arise, or be Forever Fallen', set in the Seelie Court Kiss AU. (As usual, if you want to know the context you should read the other parts, especially the first one). I apologize in advance, but i had to...  
> The title is based on a quote by Madame de Stael "We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love".

 

Brother Enoch finally came out of the operation room. All the Lightwoods – plus Magnus – got up in an instant, trepidation on their faces.  

The Silent Brother shook his head.

And all the breath was dragged out of Alec at once, his throat closing in on itself as if it would never be open again, his chest burning as if it had been stabbed…but he had no time to dwell on his own pain.

“NO! NO, NO, IT CAN’T BE, MAX–”

Alec caught his sister before she could get into the room, holding her to his chest as she screamed and kicked and struggled to get out of his grip. Alec couldn’t speak, couldn’t even say anything to try and soothe her, because there _wasn’t_ anything to say. He just held her tighter and tighter until, in the end, she collapsed against him, worn out, her entire frame shaking like a leaf. Then he picked her up.

Their parents had gone in, Alec could hear his mother’s muffled sobs, but Alec could only deal with one thing at a time. He started down the corridor, firm in his grip on his sister, his eyes pointed straight ahead, as he passed Magnus and – not Jace, Jace wasn’t there anymore. Alec didn’t have the energy to inquire about that.

The other people they passed averted their eyes, no words needed to understand what had happened. Izzy was clinging to Alec’s neck as if her life depended on it, clawing at his skin, as she wetted his shirt with her tears. Alec welcomed the physical pain – it was much easier to handle.

When he placed Izzy on her bed she started screaming again. “Wait, I need to see him! There must be something else we can do! I need to–”

“Izzy, _please_ , it’s over, there’s nothing we can do. Why don’t you try to get some–”

“NO, I can’t sleep, I can’t rest, when Max is–”

She couldn’t continue, and Alec could’ve sworn his heart was _bleeding_ as he struggled to keep her on the bed, with her twisting and writhing under his hands, her sobs as the only sound to be heard.

“It’s all my _fault_!”

“No, Iz, no…” 

If it was anybody’s fault, it was _his_ , the one who had let _Sebastian_ stay into the Institute, who had made him run _security_ , when he _should’ve_ known better. It had cost him his little brother, and that fact would stay with him until the day he died, he’d made sure of it.

Alec hugged Izzy then – the only thing he could think of doing, the only one that would amount to anything – and her arms came up to circle his middle with the strength of her desperation. She started crying harder, and Alec let her, staring at a point on her bed right behind her. He couldn’t fall apart, too, or they’d end up never getting up again.

Alec closed his eyes, breathing in and out, until he could feel all the fight fade out of Izzy. At that point, he took his stele out with one hand, and Izzy could only protest meekly, her face red and swollen, as Alec drew a _Somno_ rune on her belly. Her hand remained fisted around his shirt, but her eyes were already drooping.

Alec bent his head to place a kiss on her forehead. “I love you,” he whispered. Izzy let out one last sob.

After extricating himself from her, Alec removed her shoes and tucked her into the bed. He stared at her for a moment longer, surveying the constant, reassuring rise-and-fall of her chest.

Then he went back to the infirmary.

Robert was pacing around the room, his hands on his bald head, blinking hard over his reddened eyes. He wasn’t looking at anyone. Alec spared him only a glance, before going straight towards the cot, where Maryse was stroking the hair over Max’s forehead, staring at him as if she wanted to commit him to memory.

They had removed all the tubes and bandages, and Max could seem as if he was just sleeping. Healthily, safely. Except, Alec knew the truth, and he could no longer ignore the burning in his eyes.

He moved closer, placing a hand over Max’s. His brother’s hand was so small, smooth, yet the skin was already getting colder and colder...and to think that, when he had been born, he had been so _warm_ under his touch. His father had given him the bundle of blankets, and Alec had held him for the first time, staring down at that little reddened and scrunched face in wonder. He had kissed his forehead, and his lips had seemed to burn.

Alec did the same now. He bent down to kiss his baby brother’s forehead, for the last time.

He had failed him, he had failed him, _he had failed him_ …

“Is there something I can do?” he asked his mother. His voice was hoarse, but absent of all emotion...a fact that scared even Alec himself.

Maryse outstretched a hand, which Alec took, holding onto her as hard as he could, and she shook her head. They shared a pained look, and Alec’s heart went out to his mother. She then let him go, resuming to stare at her youngest son’s dead body.  

Alec gave one last, long look at Max, drinking him in, caressing his face, stalling the moment…then he turned around, and left the room.

He was walking the corridors in a daze – he had never felt more _tired_ in his life. _Done_ with everything. In his mind, there was only an incessant, static buzz. He had to blink a few times to realize someone had come up to him. Magnus.

“Alexan – Alec,” his ex-boyfriend started, a bit hesitantly. “I know it’s not much…but I’m _so_ sorry for your loss.”

Alec could only nod.  

“I wish I could’ve done more…”

Alec shook his head. “You did what you could. Thank you – for coming, despite everything. I appreciate it…a lot.”

Beside their break up, their political status was rather – tense now, after recent events. He hadn’t dared to hope Magnus would help them, but he had been so relieved when he did. It hadn’t made a difference in the end…but he owed Magnus at least _something_.

“Magnus, I’m sorry. For lying about the Soul Sword, and – everything, really…”

Magnus strained a smile. “Another day, another time. Go be with your family now,” he said, squeezing Alec’s arm with one hand. Then he let him go, and he was gone.

Alec couldn’t help but be relieved at that, too. The buzzing turned louder.  

He resumed his way to Izzy’s bedroom. When he reached it, Izzy was still deeply asleep – not that he had doubted she wouldn’t be, the rune would keep her like that all night, taking the blunt of her shock. However, he still didn’t feel it in himself to leave her alone, and he made his way towards the couch placed against the wall next to her bed. He wanted to be the first thing she saw in the morning.

He _collapsed_ onto it, the constriction in his chest his only companion.

* * *

 Jace had watched Brother Enoch shook his head, and he had started running towards the weaponry. The only other thing he had been aware of on his way, beside the fire under his skin, were Izzy’s screams, which had faded away the more distance he put between them. 

Clary found him like that, furiously stacking up on all the weapons he would need, a thunderous expression on his face.

“Woah, hey, Jace, what are you doing?” she asked him. “What happened? Is Max–”

“Dead,” Jace stated, dull. “Max is dead.”

“Oh,” Clary said. Her eyes widened, full of concern. “Jace, I’m so–”

“I need to go.” Jace had no time for her _sympathy_ , or her attempts at comforting him. He only needed _action_.

“Go? What do you – wait, you don’t mean to go after Seb – _Johnathan_?” Clary’s voice was rising, panicked. She tried to put a hand on Jace’s arm, but he shrugged her off.

“ _Obviously_. He’s the one responsible for all of this. I can’t let him walk free a moment longer…”

“But you’ve seen how dangerous he is! He just tried to kill _me_ , he already succeeded with Max, you can’t go alone…” Jace wasn’t listening, and he started walking away from her instead. “Jace, wait!”

“If there’s _one_ person who can take him out, Clary, it’s me!”

“I _know_ that, but – Jace, _please,_ look at me.”

 Jace’s stride was fast and purposeful, he could lose Clary whenever he wanted…yet, despite himself, he still stopped at her words, even though he didn’t turn around to face her.

“Your family is _mourning_ ,” continued Clary, her voice softer than before, “shouldn’t you be with them?”

Jace inhaled sharply. That was exactly what he had tried _not_ to think about. If he wanted to bring _results_ , he couldn’t let his emotions take over. What _good_ would it do if he just went to them, cried with them, while the _cause_ of all their pain roamed the streets free as a bird?

No, time for mourning would be later, _after_ he had killed Johnathan Morgenstern.

He resumed walking towards the entrance doors. Clary was still following him.

“What if you get yourself _killed_?”

“It’s a chance I need to take.”

“Then I’ll go with you.”

“ _No_ , Clary.”

“ _Yes_ , Jace. Try and stop _me_.”

She had reached him, and was passing him to go open the door. Jace held her arm. They stared at each other, as if to wait and see whose stubbornness would cave first.

“And by the way, _tell_ me, what is your great plan?” Clary asked him, sarcasm dripping in her voice.

“I’ll go out, I’ll find him, I’ll kill him.” Jace was _definitely_ wasting time now. He debated knocking Clary out.

“How will you find him? Do you really think he’ll still be at his apartment? And what if Valentine is with him, you plan on taking _both_ of them out?”

“If I have to.”

“Jace…”

“Are you seriously telling me that I should let that _demon_ go free?!” Jace was shouting at this point, heads were turning their way.

“Of course not! I’m just saying we need a plan, and a team, and to be _level-headed_ to do this!”

“ _Clary_ , I–”

“Don’t you want to be near _Alec_? Don’t you think he _needs_ you now more than ever?”

And the wave of pain – gripping, _suffocating_ pain – that he had been trying to repress came crushing down on him, stealing his breath. Jace had to lean against the wall to keep himself upright, Clary’s expression turned worried as she raised her arms to catch him in case he collapsed. His eyes were burning, and he had to breathe deeply, slowly, to prevent himself from doing just that. He closed his eyes for a moment.

 _Alec_. Jace hadn’t looked at him before leaving, but he hadn’t needed to…he knew exactly what expression would be on his face, he knew what he would be _feeling_ , since it was what _they_ were both feeling. The _grief_ was so tightly interwoven between them that he couldn’t tell whose it was that was overwhelming him in that moment. He only knew that Alec was going through the same thing as he was…but at the same time – Jace could’ve _bet_ on it – he was also probably trying to do everything he could to be there for his family, while not being there for _himself_ …

Jace had to face the reality of things. It was late in the night, he had no plan, he was outnumbered, his head was _swimming,_ and if he didn't succeed, a fact that was starting to appear more and more likely, he would inflict another _loss_ on all of them. But, most of all, Alec, _his_ Alec, _needed_ him…

Mentally berating himself for his impulsiveness, Jace squared himself up, and turned the other way.

He went back to the infirmary first, but only Robert and Maryse were there. Jace still entered, approaching them carefully, mindful not to intrude on their pain. Robert, however, nodded at him, and Jace walked up to Maryse. They all stared at Max in silence for a long moment, and Jace took advantage of it to let all that he was feeling come flow freely through him. Externally, only one tear fell from his eyes.

“I will avenge him,” he swore aloud.

Maryse turned towards him for the first time then, her face the mask of all agony. “ _Do it_.”

Jace nodded, clenching his jaw until his teeth hurt.

Making his way next towards Alec’s room, Jace only strengthened his resolve. The next day would be _war_. Now, he had more important things to do.  

But Alec wasn’t in his room, and Jace instinctively turned around, going straight for Izzy’s instead.

The door was closed, and Jace knocked lightly before opening it. The room was dimly lit by the lamp on the nightstand, and thanks to it he could make out the forms of both Lightwood siblings – the last remaining – one laying on the bed, the other sat on the couch next to it. Alec turned only his eyes towards him when Jace entered, his parabatai's head leaning heavily on one hand, seemingly without the strength to do anything else.

Jace’s heart lost a _beat_ when he took in his face, with a neutral expression _painted_ on it, that was still unable to mask the dark and heavy circles under his eyes. Jace couldn’t believe that he had been about to _leave_.

Jace walked silently, careful not to disturb Izzy (even though he doubted her sleep had been naturally induced). Alec followed his approach with those same tired eyes, until Jace sat on the couch right next to him. He raised an arm, and brought a hand to hold Alec’s face, gently caressing it with his thumb.

Alec closed his eyes, leaning into the touch, and, all of a sudden, his entire face morphed, crumbling in on itself, the perfectly collected expression gone…only pain left in its wake. The breath, more like a sob, that Alec let out couldn’t have been contained even if he tried. He collapsed onto Jace’s chest without a word.

And Jace held him, circling his entire shaking frame, as if that was the only way to keep him in one piece. Eventually, they both fell into a fretful sleep, but they never let each other go.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is still appreciated.


End file.
